Post #771 – How to Touch a Woman in Her Pants

Today in other news a woman in Japan was stung by a scorpion in a pair of pants she was trying on that were imported from China. The store said they will make sure it never happens again. Scorpion unavailable for comment but his publicist said “Get Over Here!” Though the rumor is that he was upset he didn’t get to perform his fatality finishing move.

Unless you played Mortal Kombat that probably made no sense to you. But it’s Wednesday. Hump Day. Holidays Coming up. I was driving home last night and saw Santa on top of a fire truck attacking kids with mind flavored canes. I dressed up and was Santa at a Holiday party once. Kids either love or hate you but the ones that love you want to talk to you and tell you what they want under the tree. I was always told the people in the mall and so forth were helpers.

Well I never got to see Mr. S. and work out any details of being a helper. It was my girlfriends uncle saying Hey I would do it but I have a son now. So I want to video tape this and you play Santa. I agreed and put on this costume that was 338.6 Kelvin or 150F.  So  I put on this suit and remember in Indiana  in the room I was told to change in there was this show on TV. It was this deal where a bunch of churches got together and tried to sell crap from local merchants for some religious charity. I thought there was an FCC to destroy these people.

So I put on this costume and walk downstairs. I have a huge bag of toys and all these little kids instantly settle down because they think I am judging them and will form an opinion of their toy allocation that I have as Santa alloted them this year. The power of a religious figure to control someone. Or for Disney to revive Tim Allen’s acting career. So they have a fireplace for me to sit on the edge of. So I have this hot thing on my back adding to the heat of wearing this suit and all I can think is “Water” or “Outside in the snow” So I have all these little girls and boys that we will call Dick and Jane. Since their names are not important. But they are wanting to hug me and tell me their deepest desires. I feel like I should be asking these parents for a credit card number.

Man that sounded perverted. It wasn’t meant to come off like that. But my total payment for the deal was a cold salad and what I was told the “internal satisfaction that I enriched Christmas for several little girls and boys” 

So I had to sit each kid on my lap and they told me what they wanted but all I could really focus on is stay cool. Don’t think about the heat. I was wearing a fake beard and hat and that was covering my face enough that all the sweat running down my face was absorbed by this beard. Now the thought had occurred to me. How do you wash a beard? Not being one with facial hair and what little facial hair I get I shave off. But this fake one probably rented 10 times a year do they wash it every time someone returns it?

So I give each kid a toy listen to what they want. Get on 12 peoples camcorders. Now being that was for an ex girlfriends uncle I have thought 10 years down the road when they watch their sons first Christmas and I am in that holiday suit and this kid is like who played the Santa who are they going to give credit to?

I sometimes ponder why I went out to Indiana to be with a girl for 3 years that I had met over the internet. It was an interesting experience to say the least. But it brought this tale of being a Santa to you. When I totally just wanted to poke fun at a scorpion in someones pants at a store.

Cheers! Happy Holidays for whatever holiday you celebrate.

Junniper had me spawn a new phrase. “Spread the Geek” which sounds like a good podcast title. Perhaps a nice song. Oh well.