Mobile Blog

Well this is my first blog on the cell phone Internet Explorer. I am currently stuck at the Seattle Ferry Dock because some Tourist jack ass cannot keep their car in working order so I get to stand around a couple hundred people in the heat. Fucking Tourists. Grrrrr

Post #874 – Humor as Dry as Ginger Ale.

I thank Mr. Greg for that title.

I really need to finish the Birthday write up. I get told frequently that I crack people up and make them laugh. I got such an e-mail on Saturday from perhaps a new friend that she was reading my blog and liked my sense of humor. I am not sure what it takes to be funny I am just myself and make casual observations of the world we live in. Which is pretty much the basis of many comedians.

I also find that being incredibly random is something that I do very well. Having a full bank of quotes that is ever increasing is also something that I enjoy doing. But I have found the key to a great sense of humor is being able to laugh at yourself. If I do something totally stupid I don’t get pissed at myself you just need to laugh at yourself.

I try to do anything for a laugh. One time I created a character that was a gay englishmen and had him call a Wal-Mart in Arkansas to ask for a rather creative cake. I included that file in case you have not heard it before.

But I guess was take some time laugh at the world around you. Nothing is serious remember everything you spent your life to earn is gone in the end you can’t take it with you. So enjoy it now while you still can.

Thanks for everyone that enjoys my company and I thank you for letting me get to know you.

Post Birthday Write Up – Friday May 18th

Hey everyone been working my ass off lately and just been to busy to update the world on my life. So lets hit this up a day at a time seems like a much easier goal at the moment.

So Friday this was probably the most stressful work day of all time. Which I can’t really get into the details of but yeah lets just say I wanted to strangle myself with my phone at the end of the day. So I finally get out of work and go down to the game room to have a brew. But I just really haven’t been into drinking much but I needed one to just relax a bit. Always good to have a beer take the edge off and then walk down to the ferry.

My walk to the ferry is 2.47 miles if I walk at my tired at the end of the day stroll it takes about 35-40 mins depending on how long I get to wait at the traffic lights. I used to jaywalk until my arm got clipped and it just isn’t worth the risk anymore. Unless there are no cars around at all. I usually get asked by the same 4-6 bums for money daily. I have found the best way to avoid these people is having the iPod going and not looking at them. I sometimes ponder what the result of carrying a laptop bag while listening to my iPod and have the smartphone device on my side inspires in the minds of people. It seems like Geek jewelry at times though not so much. I think the most common question I get about anything is my phone “What kind of blackberry is that?”

So anyways I get to the ferry and I get to the ferry around 5:40-5:55 and the next ferry doesn’t arrive until 6:13 usually and they unload everyone and we hop on. It’s a friggin sweet routine that I deal with 5 days a week. I see the same people every single day and it’s cool to be a stranger to everyone.

So I get home and I usually just lay down for a few mins to relax after my nap. (Man that sounds like I am really lazy)

So I get home and Nick gives me a call and is like

Nick: “Hey Buddy! Come over lets play some Gears of War!”
Me:  “Sure Man, I will shower and be right over”

So I take a shower and pack up my crap and go down to my car. My car hasn’t been washed in about a year because I hardly ever drive unless I need to. The car has gone from black to brown.  So start driving and it’s a good 15 minute drive if I don’t get stuck in the ferry traffic. So I am driving down this road called Port Gamble road. I see a car parked on the side of the road and I slow down but not enough as I pass this car. The car gets out behind me and starts following. So I just continue at my slower speed and make the left turn onto my friend Nick’s road. Then the lights start flashing behind me.

Right then is where you get that feeling like Holy Shit, Fuck Me, Damit, OH FUCK!

So I am sitting there and I roll down my Window.  He walks up and asks for license and registration.

I hand him my license and the first words out of his mouth were.

“Hello Sir, Do you know why I pulled you over this evening?”
“Because I was speeding and slowed down as I saw you on the side of the road”
“How fast do you think you were going?”
“I would approximate that I was going 45 miles per hour or 72 kilometers per hour”
“Have you been drinking tonight?”
“No, Sir”
“Good Thing, You are not old enough anyways”
“Sir I am going to be 24 on Sunday”
“Oh, These Sideways licenses always confuse me” (In Washington State if you get your license before you are 21 they stand on the Vertical. Otherwise they are on the horizontal. I got mine when I moved back to Washington in January of 2004 which was just about 5 months before I hit 21)

I dig through my glove box looking for registration and I find it. Pass it along to the officer and I get this lovely reply.

“Sir this is for a Pontiac Grand AM”
“Yes Officer I understand that. This is a Pontiac Grand AM”
“Oh It’s Nighttime I just wanted to verify…. Do you have any Pot that I should know about?”
“Sir I have never smoked pot in my life or taken a drug”
“Yeah, Whatever… Do you have your Insurance Card?”

So I start to dig through another pile. I have every insurance card for the past 3 months and start handing him cards. It turns out that I don’t have the March until June Card in the car. I felt like I had just been removed from reality and could imagine a camera flying up into the sky. Back down into my Condo Window and zooming in onto my computer desk onto the left hand side where my “To Do” Box sits and it sitting right there. Suddenly I felt like I should bend over and wait for the reaming I am about to receive.

“Sir, Do you realize that not having valid Insurance in the state of Washington is a $538 fine?”
“I have insurance my card is at home right on my computer desk. I could call my insurance company right now and prove it to you that I have valid insurance”
“You didn’t realize I was the biggest stickler about Car Insurance in the state of Washginton. I believe you have insurance but since you don’t have the card I get to write up the fine. If you can prove you have it to the court they can reduce the fine to $20 processing fee”

So he goes back to his car and you are sitting there on the side of a long long drive way. With the lights flashing through your car. I am never sure what to think or what to do. Like I wanted to unbuckle my seatbelt and dig around for perhaps a shred of hope that somehow I got sent a second card and wouldn’t get reamed any further. But no such luck. I did find my Inside Man DVD which is a great film starring Clive Owen and Denzel Washington which made me happy because I had been looking for it.  The officer steps back up to my Window.

“Sir here is your ticket. I  didn’t ticket you for not having the correct address on your registration that is normally a $215 fine. Also if you take your insurance card down to the courthouse you can get that fine reduced from $538 to $20. Have a good night, I am going to go turn off my lights now”

So I get stuck with a $148 + $20 Insurance Fee on my ticket. I get to take a day off work to go deal with this bullshit. I feel like the cop was a moron. I was right at the bottom of my friends hill. I have people calling wonder where I am.

So I drive up the hill and it’s a rather steep hill and I see the speed limit is 25 mph and I am cruising up the hill at 30. The cop is at the bottom of the hill so I slow to a crawl going up the hill. I turn the corner and drive 50mph just to vent off some crap. Pull into the driveway grab the ticket and my bag and go knock on the door.

Nick is like “What the Fuck Man where have you been?” I said Dealing with “Cops and Tickets. Look at this!” then everyone busts out Happy Birthday and I am thinking crap here I am swearing and pissed and now comes cake. Finally something positive out of the day. So we rant about how the cop was a douche bag of the worst sort.  Have some cake and ice cream. Watch some very crappy computer animated movie with Madonna and some other loser people about Arthur and Incredible or something. It was all lame I give the movie a .25 out of 10.

After that we hooked up my new XBOX 360 Elite and played Gears of War until we get to the last level at 3am and I pass out in their spare room. That was my Friday of the Birthday weekend. Saturday coming when I have some Sanity and Free Time.

3rd Geek Post

Thought I would release some daily stats for everyone.

1,395 – Visits
847  – Absolute Unique Visitors
2,348  – Pageviews
1.68  – Average Pageviews
00:01:08 –  Time on Site
67.10%  – Bounce Rate
58.21% New Visits

So yesterday I had around 1,400 hits 847 people I hadn’t seen before where they looked at 2,348 pages so each users on average looks at over a page and a half in just over a min. Fast readers. 67% hits are bounce hits. Which basically means you only look at the front page and don’t go read an archive. So that tells me something that nobody reads the history unless I tell them to =p.

Good stuff.

New Stuff – Domain Land

Well I was looking through my account and noticed that , are coming up for renewal. I think I am just going to let those 2 domains disappear into the domain archives forever. If anyone has an attachment to those names make me an offer.

In other related news I went to renew since it was going to expire in November so I picked that up for another 2 years and for being a loyal They sent me an e-mail saying my account was in error of 15 cents. So I had a credit on my account for 15 cents! Also I picked up and for all the masses to come find my ass a little easier.

Also with the new domains if you send an e-mail to .net or .info it all gets routed to the same place for those that want to feel tricky. Though I find most people prefer to e-mail my gMail Account. But some to think about it all my e-mail is managed by Google. is setup with Google for your Domain. Brilliant service I love it my only major complaint is that they don’t have an IMAP service just POP3. But that is a geek complaint and I am thinking that women are surfing reading this.

Here are some sample thoughts I am going to try and guess what people are thinking.

Tristan – New digital goodies and stuff to configure and setup and test and try and break and fix and get all excited for something that can’t be touched and more domains that point to me. Makes me want to pull a Monty Burns with the fingers and say excellent.

Junniper – Ahh there is Tristan on a tangent again. Lets see hmmm nothing to funny here. Let’s point out an error. He needs a women to straighten him out a bit I think he has gone a bit looney. Well he is consistent.

Jon – Yeah ummm okay. Don’t care

Jenni – Tristan you should seriously make out with me

Michelle – You are such a dork

Jen – Jerry Fallwell is dead that is so fucking sweet. I hate that prick and hope he gets stabbed after he is dead.

Dave – Wow more things I can’t spell. How come your e-mail isn’t I like to stalk little girls online because I am a pedophile.

Lets hope I can stay sane on this Fubar Friday Birthday Weekend Extravaganza! FFBWE hmmmmm.

Dave Checks In…. Sorta

Well yesterday Stalker Dave Grady checked in with a new video for me. I thought I would give him some honor of posting it here.

David here is a 31 year old male from the lovely state of New York. He came across my existence when I was a moderator over at I used to be a bit of a Satellite Radio guru. Which is a story I should perhaps tell sometime. But anyways he got Sirius for whatever reason and he took my AIM SN and has been harassing me off and on for a few years now.He emulates me and wants to be me whenever I do something. He comes to ask me for help about everything and he will ask stupid questions. I remember one brilliant moment.

Dave: Do you think girls masturbate?
Me: Sure they do.
Dave: That’s Gross. only men should do that.

Brilliant things like that. He has trolled on a few sites I have ran over the years. He gets banned frequently because he is racist and uses slurs frequently on them. He really has the mental capacity of a 9 year old.

I picture him as that child you see in the grocery store whining about a candy bar as a public embarrassment to everyone around him. That is there but you try to ignore him but it’s hard not to.

So thanks for the shout out Dave and giving me yet another opportunity to make fun of your stupid ass.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been

So lets sit down kiddies and have a chat. Since the big 24 is coming up.

Gears of War Box Art

So Friday Night was by far geeky as can be. I took my XBOX 360 over to Nick’s House and we played Gears of War for a few hours. Now this game is addicting as crack and we just got to the 3rd Act. It was a good time geeking out. We had to pause the action when his girlfriend called. I was trying to wrap my mind around the totally amazing conversation they were having about flowers. I was like ugh end this call already. But oh well I can spare a few moments and be happy I wasn’t on the phone. 2am rolls around and I am tired so I pack up everything and head home. Had about 6hrs of sleep and then we begin Sat-urrrr-day! Now try to picture that being said while I am playing air guitar with a sound file playing.

So anyways get up on Saturday and I spend time like ugh it’s the weekend I shouldn’t need to do anything. But the lovely David and Janice were getting married. I haven’t seen David in many years probably since I went to a LAN party at Jordan’s house.

I haven’t been to a LAN Party in years 2001 perhaps. Not really such a big deal anymore that everyone has broadband. But the concept of a LAN party is that everyone shows up with their computers. Gets packed into a basement or a garage somewhere. Setup a Network and game and leech files all night long. There is always someone who brings a female type that sits there and complains about how lame this is. I always wondered why the males bring females that really have no interest in such things. There is always some kid that doesn’t have a computer and talks a big game like he knows everything in the world about computers. There is always some guy who brings a broken computer and expects us all to fix it. Then you sit in usually a very cold room playing games for 24hrs and then afterwards you wonder why you subjected your body to such hell that you go consume Denny’s.

But anyways back to my story. The wedding they had a pretty cool system for the RSVP. You went to and you clicked a button. I could setting something like this up if I were to ever get married. I went to their registries and I couldn’t really find anything decent in what I was willing to drop. So I stopped by Hallmark and then went to Macy’s and picked up a $50 Gift Card.

But the wedding was rather traditional in many ways nothing out of the ordinary. But it seemed like a very religious experience and me sitting there trying to figure out why these people are so delusional. But the wedding was rather large 7 or 8 groomsmen and as many bridesmaids. Seemed like it took forever and this was in a huge hall. They all needed to have a microphone. But it was an interesting time.

So after the wedding was over we had to drive to another church. For some reason I really hate going to churches. I was wondering what an atheist wedding ceremony would be like. I tried a few google searches to see what this would bring up. Nothing really like I was looking for. I did find a company that can perform the wedding for you. Which had me thinking I went online last year to become ordained to perform weddings I have the card and a blank marriage license I could fill out. I was going to use this for Preston’s Wedding in June but they decided they didn’t want to go that route.

So moving along the reception you had some egg rolls and a chocolate fondue fountain. While we sat around and waited. We were stuck waiting for the groomsmen and bride and groom to arrive. That process took 2.5hrs. So we were sitting around on our little one egg roll meal and chocolate covered marshmallows. They didn’t have any booze at all. Not a beer or any bottles of Gin. They had some fruit punch but that is about it.

Mmmm BBQ Steak

The entire time I was sitting there I was pondering what my wedding reception would be like. I was thinking nice day. Huge BBQ’s and Burgers and Steaks and every other dead cow meat product charred over flame with lots of beer and having a good time. I went to a wedding last year I got stuck BBQ’ing 400 burgers 500 Hot Dogs and we were manning 4 BBQ’s and managed it all pretty well.

But pretty much the reception was hours of sitting around doing nothing. Followed by some food and a little cake. I then left and went home and chilled out.

Mothers Day came around on Sunday. I really didn’t get a chance to see my mom on Mothers Day. She went to the Opera with my Sister. So I am seeing what my Mom is up to on Wednesday. So I am trying to recall exactly what I did on Sunday. It’s Tuesday I am a little Fubar’d

I thought I would close this out with a classic song that seemed fitting. When I was a kid loved Animaniacs. Pinky and the Brain.

Ahh seemed very fitting for the current administration. Hope everyone is well. Time to turn 24 this weekend. Hooray for life.

I could never get the hang of Thursday’s

Ahh a great line from a great book. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. I picked up a new copy of the book The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. It’s all bound up like a Bible with the Leather and the Gold Painted edges. I find this highly comical because well Douglas Adams always described himself as a “Radical Atheist” so people don’t ask him “Don’t you mean agnostic”

I get that question frequently myself. Seems to shock most people when they see that. But anyways that was all how the title of this blog came about because that is how they end the second chapter of the Guide.

So Thursday’s are always nuts and busy beyond belief.  But this morning I had a ponder and when I ponder something I usually go hit up Wikipedia, Google and then go check out and see what is out there. But this question I asked a few people and it sparked a debate. So I went to Yahoo Answers to seek my answer.

What do you think? I am of the thought that technically it is possible but there is nothing to gain. Like you won’t age a day. I couldn’t walk around it 10 times and become 24.

I have discovered this new service called StumbleUpon where you install an addon in Firefox or IE (Curse IE) and you just discover all kinds of new goodies.

Fuck Bees

As many people know I am totally afraid of Bee’s they are my #1 fear. I am not allergic but I would prefer never to have an encounter with them. But this link came up. 

Bees infest a kids swingset and they get torched. I found this whole process rather funny and something that me and some friends might do if faced with the same situation. I was reminded of the whole couch moving experience and wanted to just laugh my ass off for being so foolish and stupid but getting the job done otherwise.

I could picture a girlfriend/wife or any female just observing us or this situation going “This can only end badly” then us guys gloating on how awesome we are.

But thanks for all the kind notes when I was having a bad day the other day.  This entire week just hasn’t really been good for me. But the lineup for the weekend seems interesting.

I have a wedding on Saturday my childhood friend David P. is getting married to a woman I have never heard of but congrats to him on that. Sunday is Mothers Day and my Mom is going to the Opera with my Sister. I think I will drive out to the Grandma’s see if I can take her out for Lunch Perhaps.

Now I am off to a meeting. Cheers